“What?” you might be saying. “Isn’t gossip always bad?” Our mothers taught us that, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Could Mom have been wrong?
Well, not exactly. But gossip does have its good side.
And since we humans tend to spend two thirds of our social conversations discussing people who aren’t in the room, the news that gossip can serve positive purposes gets us off the hook about sometimes breaking Mom’s rule.
How Gossip Serves Us
Above all, we gossip because it connects us to each other and reinforces shared values. It teaches us what others view as good or bad, acceptable or not. It helps us understand the rules of our society and its prevailing tastes and fashions.
When we’re dissing a celebrity or sports star for some outrageous indiscretion, we’re sharing our disapproval.
We’re underscoring that we believe the behavior is wrong.
Gossip about others’ misfortunes can help us put our own problems in perspective.
At work, gossiping about a bad boss or team leader can unify us and help us see that we’re not being singled out for mistreatment.
Gossip clues us in to who the liars, thieves, cheats and freeloaders are amongst us. And it discourages abusive behaviors like these in others.
Gossip about the company we work for and its competitors can let us know what’s going on and help us consider new strategies.
Gossip’s Dark Side
But the fact that gossip serves some positive purposes doesn’t diminish its dark side. Especially when it turns malicious, it can do far more harm than good, destroying reputations, relationships, businesses, careers and lives.
Negative gossip is harmful at its core because it objectifies people, dehumanizing them. Instead of promoting a willingness to reach out with support or assistance to someone, it distances us from each other. It’s inherently unkind.
Not only is it unkind, but unless you go directly to the subject of gossip and ask, you have no way of knowing whether the tales spreading around are accurate or even true.
As a child, you probably played the game where the first person in line whispers a message in the second person’s ear, the second person passes it on to the third, and so on. When the last person in line reports what he heard, it bears little resemblance to the original message. Tales get “embroidered,” as an old neighbor of mine used to say, with each person who tells it adding his or her own interpretation, exaggeration, or twist.
People who habitually spread negative rumors do as much harm to themselves as to they do to the subjects of their tales. Instead of ingratiating themselves to others, they tend to push people away. Others begin to view the tale-bearer as untrustworthy and as a trouble-maker. Would you want to confide in someone who was always talking about the personal business of others, and who was eager to tell about others’ missteps or problems?
If you were an employer, would you feel that your proprietary information was safe if you knew that an employee thrived on telling tales?
Gossip can lead to team discord, and can disrupt employee morale.
In fact, negative gossip can create so many workplace problems, that some companies are holding trainings about its detrimental effects and writing policies designed to discourage it as an employee behavior.
Finding the Balance
The challenge with gossip is to recognize where it’s serving you without allowing it to drag you into its morass of negativity.
If you’re managing a team, a department, or a business, in order to keep unfounded rumors at bay, make it a policy to keep your employees well-informed—especially when you’re going through a significant change or reorganization. Tell them weekly where you are and what you’re still trying to figure out. Ask them what rumors are going around and answer them truthfully. Employees who feel they are being leveled with don’t feel a need to be scouring in every corner for tidbits of news.
If you have someone in your work or social environment who is dragging down your own morale with a trail of constant negative gossip, try one of these techniques:
- Start with yourself. Unless you’re seeking counsel from a trusted friend, don’t talk about others who aren’t present, and don’t pass along negative rumors.
- Walk away. If you’re in a group setting when the gossip begins, simply excuse yourself and go somewhere else.
- Change the subject. Ask the tale-bearer about an unrelated topic, preferably one that lets him or her keep the spotlight: How did that report go? What are you planning to do for the weekend? Tell me more about your vacation.
- Challenge the negative remark, or counter it with a positive one. “I find that hard to believe. I’ve always found that Jim’s work is exceptional. He pays attention to details and gets his projects finished on time. I think he’s a great employee.” Or, “I really like Mary. In fact, she’s a good friend of mine.”
- In private, ask the tale-bearer to help you out. You can use the formula from nonviolent communication: First, describe the situation objectively and state how it makes you feel. (Don’t include judgments or evaluations; just say what’s going on and name the emotion it brings out in you.) State the need that is not being met and ask the tale-bearer if she would be willing to help you out by responding in a specific way. “Mary, when I hear negative news about other people, I feel sad/upset/irritated because I need to feel harmony with my coworkers. Would you be willing to keep your discussions about other people positive when we’re talking together?”
You may need to try several techniques, and to use them repeatedly before the gossiper gets the message.
If all else fails, you can tell her, “You know, Mary, my mother always told me that if I can’t say something nice about someone, I shouldn’t say anything at all. I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that. You might want to think about it, too.”
How have you dealt with gossipers in your environment? If you have an effective technique, or it you feel you need to know more, leave a comment below.
Sources:
Anthes, Emily, Earnings and Yearnings: How to Be a Good Gossip
Drapkin, Jennifer, Gossip’s Dirty Little Secret
Evans, Bryant, 5 Ways to Stop Gossip
Gelba, Kris, How to Stop an Annoying Co-Worker from Gossiping and Causing Trouble
Post, Peter, To End Gossip: Stop Sharing Juicy Items
Zabriskie, Kate, Three Surefire Steps to Stop Gossiping at the Office
Photo: istockphoto.com
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