Building Strong Relationships: Do You Take the Time?

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“There’s something special and unique about relationships,” says positive psychology researcher Sonya Lyubomirsky,” and we would do well to strengthen, nourish and enjoy them.”

Indeed, the positive relationships in our lives—with family, loved ones and friends—came in tops in a recent British survey about what mattered most to people. The results were hardly a surprise. For most of us, regardless of where we live, it’s the warmth, affection and camaraderie that we share in our close relationships that give life its juice, its meaning, purpose and joy.

And yet, in today’s stressed, rushed world, it’s easy to neglect them. We’re so busy that it seems we simply don’t have the time we’d like to have for the nearest and dearest in our lives. But shared time is what keeps relationships vital and flourishing. Without it, our sense of closeness begins to fade. Our friendships, our marriages, and our families lose their vigor and we lose the joy and comfort they could be providing.

The Difference Time Makes

The payoff from spending more time with the people you most care about is incalculable.

In his study of marriages, for example, Dr. John Gottman found that the happiest couples spent an average of five more hours a week interacting than couples whose marriages had gone sour. How?

They took time at the beginning of the day to share at least one thing each of them planned to do that day.
They spent time in a low-stress conversation when they got back together at day’s end.
They worked hard to carve out time for a weekly date with each other, just the two of them alone together for several hours doing something they both enjoyed.

If you’re married, with kids, you might think finding several hours a week for a date isn’t possible. But with some determination and planning, very few couples are unable to carve out the time. And all of them who do learn that it’s well worth the effort.

Friendships, too, need shared time to flourish. Just as married couples need to work to create time together, so do adult friends. Once we leave school, we don’t automatically find ourselves in the company of our friends on a regular basis. Just as the married couple has to work together to find time to share, friends have to arrange times that they can share. Phone calls and emails are great. But there’s nothing like meeting face to face to talk in depth at your leisure while you share a meal or activity you both enjoy.

A Matter of Priorities

In study after study, positive psychologists found that the happiest people are those who are most connected with other people. “Indeed,” writes positivity pioneer Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, “the tie between flourishing and enjoying good social relations is so strong and reliable that scientists have called it a necessary condition for flourishing.”

Time spent together with our loved ones matters. “People gain more positivity by being with others,” says Dr. Fredrickson, “than by being alone. So connect with others, every day and no matter what.”

It all boils down to identifying the most important people in your life and then deciding to create the time for them, to recognize the priority they hold for you. You and they both deserve it.

“Where Do I Find All This Time?”

With all the pressures of modern life, it’s understandable that we think our every hour is already assigned to something important. But the fact is we lose whole chunks of it every day as easily as we lose coins between the cushions of the sofa. Here are some strategies for reclaiming it:

“Know the difference between wasting time and enjoying time,” say the folks at Our Family Place. Doing nothing but enjoying a sunset with the family probably isn’t wasting time, but yapping endlessly on the phone with someone you really don’t want or need to talk to, is! Keep mental track of exactly how you are spending your time. You will probably find that a good portion of it is wasted. Even if you convert only ten percent wasted time into enjoying time, you are making progress.”

As far as those unnecessarily long phone calls go, they suggest you set a time limit on them, say you have to go, and then hang up. They also suggest you delete all the “Fwd: Blah-blah-blah” emails that people send you and ask the frequent senders to remove you from their distribution lists.

The Family Works website of the University of Illinois Extension suggests you use a planner book or chart with lots of space and let your kids help decorate it. Their site is chock full of concrete suggestions on how to plan time together as a family and well worth a visit if you’re working out how to find family time.

But a planner is a great tool for couples as well, allowing them to negotiate what needs to be done when and who will do it in order to free up time to spend alone together. In fact, in our busy times, carrying your calendar with you so you can spontaneously plan is almost a must for all of us.

The people at Time Management Success [http://www.time-management-success.com/family-time-management.html] offer seven quick tips for organizing your time and some encouragement for trying different systems until you find what works for you.

The Payoff

The important people in your life are, after all, irreplaceable. They truly are what makes life worthwhile. Spend time with them and everyone is enriched, and bolstered, and made more whole. And the increased happiness that’s generated from the time you spend with the ones you hold dear spreads to touch everyone that you and your loved one’s touch as well. What finer way could there be to make the world more beautiful?