Category Archives: Relationships

How Assertiveness Can Open Your Heart, Move You Forward, and Connect You to Those You Love

Posted on February 21, 2012 by

Connection“Assertiveness” is one of those words that can make you cower inside.   For many of us, it reeks of conflict, confrontation, or exposure.  It asks us to go naked in the lion’s den.  It signals danger and evokes fear.

And yet, once you discover its door-opening magic, its power to move you with ease and grace toward
greater success and deeper connection, you’ll wonder how you ever managed to be afraid.

Why Assertiveness Feels Scary

Before we can discover its magic, though, we need to get clear about what assertiveness is–and isn’t.

The reason the word scares us is because we assume that the only time when we need to assert ourselves is when we’re at odds with another person’s opinions or behaviors–when we want them to think or do something differently, or when they want us to think or do something that we’re not comfortable thinking or doing.  And that means we are in conflict with them.

In other words, we look at situations where we want a different outcome than someone else wants as win-lose situation.  The only choices we see are to be assertive and stand up for ourselves or to give in.

Ouch!  That’s a painful choice.  If we take a stand, we put ourselves in opposition to the other person.  If we don’t take a stand, we lose a little part of who we are.  It feels a lot more like lose-lose, either path we take.

But there’s a third way, a way where both people get their needs met.  It’s the way where assertiveness is neither offensive nor defensive, but is simply a confident willingness to share our preferences or needs while respecting the other person’s needs as well.

Authentic Assertiveness: From Conflict to Connection

The third way of looking at our differences with others is to see them as a puzzle that we can solve by working together.  The final result may not match the picture I had in my mind or that you had in yours.  But it can be one that we both think is fine, and we’ll love it because we grew closer in putting it together.

The truth is that all of us would rather be in harmony with each other than in conflict.  And authentic assertiveness allows us to create and maintain harmony because it comes from a position of respect.

In fact, on her wonderfully helpful site, Speak Up for Yourself, assertiveness expert Dr. Linda Tillman says that respect is at the very core of assertiveness. “If at any point, you lose respect for yourself or respect for the other person,” she says,” then the communication has become non-assertive or even aggressive.”

Dr. Tillman explains that assertiveness is about connection.  It’s about honestly revealing yourself to the other person and about being empathic as the other person explains his or her wants and needs.

Instead of seeing the other person as an adversary, you see her as someone with needs and wants of her own that deserve consideration and respect.    When she feels seen and heard, she feels much less need to cling to her position as an expression of her identity.  She recognizes that you see her as a whole, complex human being—just like you.   Then the door opens for discovering together what kind of picture you can create with the pieces of your puzzle.

The Payoff of Learning Assertiveness

Positive assertiveness, the kind that seeks connection and solutions with others, is a skill that can be easily learned, and with a little practice, easily mastered.   Dr. Tillman’s site is an excellent place to begin.  You’ll even find a free class on assertiveness there.  Read her blog; sign up for her Facebook page.  She’s a warm, staright-forward expert.  The resource links below provide simple-to-learn instructions as well.  And the benefits of learning it make it well worth the investment of your time.

Assertive people, studies show, have fewer health problems and less depression, anxiety, anger, and social isolation than people who lack the skills.

When you learn to pay attention to your needs and express them with authentic assertiveness, you feel more confident and relaxed.  You get more of your own needs fulfilled because you learn to state them clearly and to ask for cooperation in a sincere and respectful way.

You create a strong, inviting image of yourself both personally and in your profession.   Because learning assertiveness strengthens your listening skills and deepens your empathy, you become more effective in working with others in partnerships and teams.  Other people learn that you can be counted on for your honesty and your willingness to be constructive when a problem needs to be resolved.

But above all, learning to be assertive lets you be more fully present in the world, expressing who you truly are and inviting others to do the same.   And that is a win-win situation all of us can embrace.

 

If you found this article helpful, please share it by clicking one of the icons below the following resources.

Resources
Tillman, Linda, Ph.D., Speak Up for Yourself  – A warm and friendly top-notch guide to confident, assertive, pro-active communication.

How to Be Assertive — A wonderful video series that will make you laugh as you learn.

Road to Well Being — “The ability to effectively communicate our feelings, needs, opinions, and desires provides the bedrock for establishing healthy relationships. “  An excellent resource on the topic.  See the differences between assertiveness, aggressiveness, passiveness, and passive-aggression in an enlightening chart.

Scott, Elizabeth, M.S. Learn Assertive Communication in Five Simple Steps –  A few quick tips with links to additional articles.

 

Photo: stock.xchng

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When Gossip Goes Bad

Posted on January 27, 2012 by
Watercooler Gossip

Gossip at Work

“What?” you might be saying.  “Isn’t gossip always bad?”  Our mothers taught us that, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Could Mom have been wrong?

Well, not exactly.  But gossip does have its good side.

And since we humans tend to spend two thirds of our social conversations discussing people who aren’t in the room, the news that gossip can serve positive purposes gets us off the hook about sometimes breaking Mom’s rule.

How Gossip Serves Us

Above all, we gossip because it connects us to each other and reinforces shared values.  It teaches us what others view as good or bad, acceptable or not.   It helps us understand the rules of our society and its prevailing tastes and fashions.

When we’re dissing a celebrity or sports star for some outrageous indiscretion, we’re sharing our disapproval.

We’re underscoring that we believe the behavior is wrong.

Gossip about others’ misfortunes can help us put our own problems in perspective.

At work, gossiping about a bad boss or team leader can unify us and help us see that we’re not being singled out for mistreatment.

Gossip clues us in to who the liars, thieves, cheats and freeloaders are amongst us.  And it discourages abusive behaviors like these in others.

Gossip about the company we work for and its competitors can let us know what’s going on and help us consider new strategies.

Gossip’s Dark Side

But the fact that gossip serves some positive purposes doesn’t diminish its dark side.  Especially when it turns malicious, it can do far more harm than good, destroying reputations, relationships, businesses, careers and lives.

Negative gossip is harmful at its core because it objectifies people, dehumanizing them.  Instead of promoting a willingness to reach out with support or assistance to someone, it distances us from each other.   It’s inherently unkind.

Not only is it unkind, but unless you go directly to the subject of gossip and ask, you have no way of knowing whether the tales spreading around are accurate or even true.

As a child, you probably played the game where the first person in line whispers a message in the second person’s ear, the second person passes it on to the third, and so on.  When the last person in line reports what he heard, it bears little resemblance to the original message.  Tales get “embroidered,” as an old neighbor of mine used to say, with each person who tells it adding his or her own interpretation, exaggeration, or twist.

People who habitually spread negative rumors do as much harm to themselves as to they do to the subjects of their tales.  Instead of ingratiating themselves to others, they tend to push people away.  Others begin to view the tale-bearer as untrustworthy and as a trouble-maker. Would you want to confide in someone who was always talking about the personal business of others, and who was eager to tell about others’ missteps or problems?

If you were an employer, would you feel that your proprietary information was safe if you knew that an employee thrived on telling tales?

Gossip can lead to team discord, and can disrupt employee morale.

In fact, negative gossip can create so many workplace problems, that some companies are holding trainings about its detrimental effects and writing policies designed to discourage it as an employee behavior.

Finding the Balance

The challenge with gossip is to recognize where it’s serving you without allowing it to drag you into its morass of negativity.

If you’re managing a team, a department, or a business, in order to keep unfounded rumors at bay, make it a policy to keep your employees well-informed—especially when you’re going through a significant change or reorganization.  Tell them weekly where you are and what you’re still trying to figure out.  Ask them what rumors are going around and answer them truthfully.  Employees who feel they are being leveled with don’t feel a need to be scouring in every corner for tidbits of news.

If you have someone in your work or social environment who is dragging down your own morale with a trail of constant negative gossip, try one of these techniques:

  •  Start with yourself.  Unless you’re seeking counsel from a trusted friend, don’t talk about others who aren’t present, and don’t pass along negative rumors.
  • Walk away.  If you’re in a group setting when the gossip begins, simply excuse yourself and go somewhere else.
  • Change the subject.  Ask the tale-bearer about an unrelated topic, preferably one that lets him or her keep the spotlight: How did that report go? What are you planning to do for the weekend?  Tell me more about your vacation.
  • Challenge the negative remark, or counter it with a positive one.  “I find that hard to believe.  I’ve always found that Jim’s work is exceptional.  He pays attention to details and gets his projects finished on time.  I think he’s a great employee.”   Or, “I really like Mary.  In fact, she’s a good friend of mine.”
  •  In private, ask the tale-bearer to help you out.  You can use the formula from nonviolent communication:  First, describe the situation objectively and state how it makes you feel.  (Don’t include judgments or evaluations; just say what’s going on and name the emotion it brings out in you.) State the need that is not being met and ask the tale-bearer if she would be willing to help you out by responding in a specific way.   “Mary, when I hear negative news about other people, I feel sad/upset/irritated because I need to feel harmony with my coworkers.  Would you be willing to keep your discussions about other people positive when we’re talking together?”

You may need to try several techniques, and to use them repeatedly before the gossiper gets the message.

If all else fails, you can tell her, “You know, Mary, my mother always told me that if I can’t say something nice about someone, I shouldn’t say anything at all.  I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that.  You might want to think about it, too.”
How have you dealt with gossipers in your environment?  If you have an effective technique, or it you feel you need to know more, leave a comment below.
Sources:

Anthes, Emily, Earnings and Yearnings: How to Be a Good Gossip

Drapkin, Jennifer,  Gossip’s Dirty Little Secret  

Evans, Bryant, 5 Ways to Stop Gossip

Gelba, Kris, How to Stop an Annoying Co-Worker from Gossiping and Causing Trouble

Post, Peter, To End Gossip: Stop Sharing Juicy Items

Zabriskie, Kate, Three Surefire Steps to Stop Gossiping at the Office

Photo: istockphoto.com

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Stopping Violence in its Tracks: The Magic of Nonviolent Communication

Posted on October 20, 2011 by

I was in my late teens when Star Trek debuted on TV.  I loved the show, but I found myself wondering how we could have progressed so far technologically without developing enough understanding of human psychology to prevent all the squabbles that went on between the crew members of the starship Enterprise.

President Kennedy had been assassinated only 3 years before, and the country was embroiled in protests over the Viet Nam war.  Would we even make it to the 23rd century, I wondered, if we didn’t learn how to get along with each other?

As the world moved from one crisis to another, each greater and more threatening in scope, it was hard for me to hold out much optimism for the future of the human race.   Discovering positive psychology revived my hope.  And then, this week, it surged to new heights as I stumbled onto Marshall Rosenberg’s process for creating peace between people, a way of communicating that he calls Nonviolent Communication™.

In a video  about using his methods, Marshall tells how he was invited to speak at a refugee camp run by the Palestinian Authority.  As soon as the audience learned that he was an American, one man sprang to his feet and shouted, “Murderer!”  Another rose, shouting, “Assassin!”  A third leaped to his feet, shouting “Child Killer!”

An hour later, the man who had called Marshall a murderer invited him to share Ramadan dinner with his family in their house.

That is impressive communication!  I definitely wanted to learn more.

I downloaded an audio series by Rosenberg and began listening.  I heard how a couple used it to solve martial difficulties that had plagued them for 30 years, how a woman used it to stop an angry intruder from raping her,  how business people got their meetings on track, how parents got back in touch with their children.

I loved Rosenberg’s presentation, and the simplicity and effectiveness of the process moved me to my core.

Rosenberg started using his method in the late 1960’s—about the same time I was wondering why we couldn’t find a way to create peace with each other.  How could I not have heard about this before?  Why isn’t it being taught in every school world wide?

It’s an approach to human connection, after all, that works to solve disputes and conflicts of any kind on levels ranging from intimate relationships, in schools, families and organizations, in therapy and counseling, up to diplomatic and business negotiations.

Why I hadn’t heard of it before is really an irrelevant question.  Some of it has been promoted in the guise of “active listening,” although that’s a slightly different animal.  As the process is applied in more and more settings, it’s likely that more funding for research will become available and spur its adaptation even more broadly.  Already it is being applied in some prison settings with very positive results.

How It Works

The process is based on the idea that we all want to get along.  We’re social beings, and on some level we all realize that we’re interdependent.  We need the cooperation of others both to survive and to thrive.

Unfortunately, we learn communication patterns that are intimidating or manipulate that make us feel nasty things like fear, guilt, or shame.  What the NVC process lets us do is focus instead on ways to build bridges and be respectful of each other’s humanness as we work together to find solutions to whatever is keeping us at odds with each other.

NVC™ allows us to empathize with each other, to genuinely hear the other person’s needs and to express our own need as well.  That way, we can work toward so that we can find a way of resolving both our needs without either of us having to compromise our values.

To do this, the process leads us through four steps:
1)    Clarifying what the situation is that’s affecting our well-being;
2)    Identifying and stating what we’re feeling about the situation;
3)    Expressing what needs or wants or values are creating our feelings; and
4)    Making a concrete request for actions we think would let us feel good.

One of the beauties of the process, as Marshall’s youtube video demonstrates, is that the other person involved doesn’t need to know anything about the process for it to work.  If you understand it, you have all the tools you need to bring a positive resolution to any misunderstanding or conflict.

How to Learn Nonviolent Communication™

Puddle Dancer Press

With an investment of an hour or so a week for 13 weeks and less than $30, you can get a good, basic education in the process and practice of NVC using Rosenber’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life and it’s accompanying workbook from Puddle Dancer Press.  Their site features a wealth of materials on the process, including a newsletter subscription and a deep collection of articles.

The articles cover everything from applying the NVC™ process to developing a healthy body image, and parenting, to business, relationships, and personal growth.  I am not an affiliate of the site and profit from your purchase only by your interest in creating a saner, more positive world,  But I heartily recommend a visit to the site.

SoundsTrue

At SoundsTrue, you can find an assortment of audio programs featuring Marshall Rosenberg and his teachings, available both as CDs and downloads.  You can earn Continuing Education credits with these as well.

I’m enjoying the Nonviolent Communication series myself right now.  And I’m seriously considering the Nonviolent Communication Online Training Course, the only online training course with Marshall Rosenberg himself.  This one includes nine weeks of downloadable lessons including three live audio question-and-answer sessions with Marshall, exclusive video instruction, an online workbook, and access to an online discussion forum with fellow course participants.

Amazon

Amazon also offers a wide selection of books on Nonviolent Communication, some of which are available for Kindle readers.

I am an affiliate of both SoundsTrue and Amazon. Your purchase of through either of these links would pay a small commission to me to help me continue with my work here at Positive-Living-Now without having to share my cat’s dinner.  (And Tink would very much appreciate that.)

YouTube

Search for Nonviolent Communication™ at YouTube and you’ll find a wide selection of videos that will give you an overview and teach you some of the techniques.  In fact, a series showing one of Rosenberg’s live workshops starts here.

Whatever path most appeals to you for learning, may I please suggest that you make NVC™ one of the things put on your list to explore?

Communicating with kindness and compassion is a sure way to bring harmony not only to our most cherished personal relationships—although it will certainly do that—but to our work worlds and communities as well.  Give it a try.  Will you?

And if you’re already an old hand at using the NVC™ process, why not share a story about how it has worked for you?

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The Price of a Great Relationship? Paying Attention

Posted on August 30, 2011 by

Relationship AttentionFor a marriage counselor, it’s a familiar scene.  Paul and Janet sit across from him, their arms crossed defensively, not looking at one another.  Janet says they aren’t close any more.  They never talk.  She says that Paul ignores her.  Her voice takes on a sad tone and she says that she feels invisible.

Paul says she’s not the only one who feels that way.   All he ever hears from her is that he’s supposed to remember to pick the kids up from school on Tuesday, or that it’s the night to take the trash to the curb, or not to forget that Nan’s recital is Friday night.

What they both so desperately want from each other is simply some personal attention.  It’s what we all want from each other, in all of our personal relationships.

The fact is that we live such busy, over-committed lives that we’re often too rushed or distracted to give much thought to nurturing our closest relationships.   We assume the other person, being a grown up, can take care of his or her own needs.

But if appreciation is the sunshine of a relationship, attention is the life-giving rain.  Withhold it, and any relationship will dry up and wither away.  In this post, we’ll talk about ways to get, and give, more attention with the important people in our lives.

Bidding for Attention

Have you ever watched an auction?  The auctioneer holds up some item, offering it to the highest bidder.  In a casual setting, the potential bidders might shout out their bids.   In other settings, a slight nod of the head signals their interest.

Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman calls requests for connection “bids.”  They can be anything from a comment or question, to a gesture or touch.  They’re a signal that the other person is bidding for your attention—and hoping you’ll say, “Sold!”

In happy relationships, bids get offered and accepted a lot.  In fact, Gottman and his fellow researchers can predict the success or failure of marriages with amazing accuracy by counting the number of bids offered and accepted between a couple over dinner.

If you’re not getting the attention you want from your partner, your boss, or your friend, it may be because you’re not offering enough bids.  Try offering them in different ways.  Use touching or looking the other person in the eyes and smiling, for example, if you generally bid verbally.

Or it may be that the bids you offer are rebuffed or ignored.  Gottman says that one counter-intuitive way to deal with this end of the spectrum is to practice responding positively more often to the other person’s bids.

How to Build Positive Connections

Building a strong relationship with someone involves sharing time—good time.

Edward and Sue Hallowell, authors of Married to Distraction, told NBC Today Show co-host Meredith Vierira about their 30-30 plan for reconnecting couples who have grown apart over the years:  Spend 30 uninterrupted minutes with each other for 30 days, they say, and you will reconnect in a profound and powerful way.

But often, sprinkling handfuls of genuine attention here and there throughout the week is all it takes to strengthen relationships.  The simple act of sharing good news with someone is a powerful positivity practice that benefits both the one who’s telling the news and the one who’s hearing it.

Counselor Mort Fertel says you can charge up a relationship simply by sharing a joke, or talking about an interesting person you met or some experience you had jogging in the park.

Recent research by positive psychology founder Dr. Barbara Fredrickson goes so far as to suggest that shared positive emotions are what produces love.  Spend time in settings of natural beauty together.  Watch moves that make you laugh together.   Play a sport you both enjoy.  Go shopping for those antiques or shoes or golf clubs that you both adore.  Volunteer together for a cause you both find meaningful.

Learn positive listening skills.

Make a ritual of sharing the things you appreciate about each other.  And, Fertel says, when you do this, don’t overlook the things the other person does that you’ve come to expect or have taken for granted.  Janet, the wife we left in the therapist’s office, could tell Paul that she appreciates that he hauls out the trash every week, for example.

Above all, just pay attention to paying attention.  Let yourself experience the joy of seeing the important relationships in your life through fresh, interested, curious eyes.   Watch for bids, and when you see one, flash your best smile, and say, “Sold!”

*****

My bid for connection?  If you enjoyed this article, please “Like” or “+1″ it and share it with a friend.  Thanks!

photo courtesy stock.xchange

 

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Appreciation: Relationship's Golden Key

Posted on August 10, 2011 by

Relationship's Golden KeyWhen it comes to relationships that you can put your stock in, the one thing they have in common is a heavy investment in appreciation.   It’s true whether we’re talking about relationships between friends, coworkers, life partners, parents and kids, and not least of all, your relationship with yourself.

When you see appreciation going on, you know you have a winner.  Along with attention and affection, it’s part of the AAA formula for vitality in relating to others.  (I’ll talk about those in another post.)

We toss the word around pretty lightly, without giving it much thought:  “Johnny, I would appreciate it if you would pick up your socks!” we say, with anything but appreciation in our hearts.

But it’s  exactly the heartfelt kind of appreciation that I’m talking about here–The kind that opens you up to see and understand another person’s viewpoint, even when it is different from your own; the kind that notices another person’s strengths and says so right out loud; the kind that’s built on respect and that treasure’s another person’s value and worth.

A relationship that’s invested in that kind of appreciation is a solid one.

Heartfelt Appreciation

You can tell when your appreciation is coming from your heart.  It feels warm and grateful.  Sometimes it’s almost like reverence.  Sometimes it has a kind of nobility to it, too, a feeling of honoring, respectfulness, or pride.  It lifts your spirit and makes the world feel like a better place.

Here’s what the folks at HeartMath say about it:

Every time you make an effort to activate appreciation, its shifts your perception of the world around you for the better. You can apply appreciation in any situation you encounter.

Really?  In any situation you encounter?  Yes, really!  Not a single moment passes that doesn’t contain something worth appreciating—if only for the lessons and insights it brings.

Appreciation and Relationships

The pioneering  American philosopher and psychologist  William James  said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”   That’s a pretty heavy statement, coming from a man who devoted his life to understanding human nature.  We don’t simply want or enjoy appreciation; we crave it.

And when we receive it from someone else, we’re so relieved and grateful, that we appreciate them in return.  That’s where the power and beauty of it lies.  That’s why it can make all the difference between a relationship that’s withering and one that’s full of life.

How to Ramp Up Your Appreciation

Increasing your experience of appreciation is as simple as giving your attention to it.  Here are some pointers:

Start Small:  Look for things you appreciation.  Start with easy things—your environment, your possessions.  What brings you pleasure?  What gives you a feeling of peace, contentment or meaning?  What inspires or comforts you?

Appreciate Yourself:  What parts of your face and body do you appreciate?  (In one episode of the old TV series M.A.S.H., the character Hawkeye did a whole, wonderful monologue about how miraculous it was to have opposing thumbs!)  Which of your talents and skills do you appreciate/

Appreciate Others:  Once you have tapped into the feeling, hold a specific friend or loved one in mind and make a mental list of the things you appreciate about him or her.

Martin Seligman, in his landmark book, Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, suggests you review the list of personality strengths and pick out the ones that you see most clearly in your mate, or child, or friend.   Then watch for concrete ways that he or she expresses those strengths and write down specific examples.    If your teenager is filled with curiosity, for example, and spends an hour researching something on the Net, make a note of it and then tell her that you really enjoy how inquisitive she is.

You may find it rewarding to keep an appreciation journal where you record your thoughts of gratitude every day.   Here’s what writer Melissa Donovan said about the rewards of keeping on in her article,  Appreciation Journal: Writing for Gratitude: “The result? My attitude is more positive, it’s easier for me to put a smile on my face (even when I’m dealing with adversity), and minor annoyances tend to roll off my shoulder. I just feel better overall.”

Appreciation in Action

Now comes the magical part.  Once you’re tuned in to the feeling of appreciation, share the wealth!  Express it!

Do Dr. Seligman’s strengths identification exercise that’s described above, and show the other person what you wrote down.  If you’re in a close relationship, ask your partner if they would like to try doing the same for you.

Interestingly, when we give someone the gift of recognizing their strengths, it motivates them to live up to our positive perceptions even more.  What you praise grows.  (Just be sure your praise is authentic, not a cheap gambit to manipulate.  It will be seen for exactly what it is either way.  Speak from your heart; that’s the only way to go.)

Marriage expert Mort Fertel suggests you make or buy a special gift for your partner that you thoughtfully choose to reflect something you appreciation in him or her—a recognition of his favorite hobby or sports team, or of her love of teddy bears or her passion for antique jewelry.  That you went out of your way to give a deeply personalized gift is such a powerful gesture, Fertel says, that it can even be the act that begins turning a failing marriage around.

On the more casual side, communication coach Betty Lochner offers  a game of “Caught Ya,” where you let someone know when you caught him doing something thoughtful, helpful, or kind.   You can even use this one with strangers to boost their day and give yourself some practice in building your awareness skills.  Lochner shares 10 additional appreciation exercises here.

Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D. suggests that you show your appreciation physically, with a literal pat on the back, a hug, a big grin, or with a gentle brush of the cheek.

Whatever way you choose to do it, let your appreciation show.  Send an email or a hand-written note.  Make a phone call.  Just express it, and watch how it nurtures and strengthens your shared bonds.

Your Turn

If you appreciated this post, “Like” it using the button below.  And you can leave a comment, too, sharing how you build your awareness of appreciation and what your favorite way is of letting it show?

For more information on appreciation, see Appreciation: Positivity’s Power Tool.

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