Most of us believe we’re open-minded and see ourselves as tolerant human beings.  Here in America, we state in our Bill of Rights that people should be free to express their opinions even when we, personally, might find those opinions short-sighted, ill-informed, or, well, just plain wrong.

But how tolerant are we, really?

In an article on political tolerance, author Patricia G. Avery states that while 90% of U.S. citizens profess a strong belief in freedom of speech, only about one-half to one-third of them said they would be willing to extend the right to those whose ideas they strongly disliked.  Clearly, we’re not as open-minded as we would like to believe.

The issue of tolerance came to my attention in a personal way last week when a friend told me about his young daughter’s criticisms of his house, car, time use and personality during their regular weekly visit.

Since I know my friend’s ex-wife, the source of his daughter’s opinions was obvious to me.  “Kids of all ages,” say the folks at kidshealth,org, “develop their own values, in great part, by mirroring the values and attitudes of those they care about.”  This little girl was simply mirroring her mom.

I suggested that my friend think of ways he could help his daughter understand that being different isn’t the same as being bad. People have different preferences, priorities, beliefs and styles—and they can be as life-affirming and wonderful as our own.

But learning that is not an easy thing for any of us.  And especially in the polarized atmosphere of our current world, most of us could benefit from a good tolerance-expanding stretch.

How Tolerance Enriches Us . . . and Intolerance Hurts

Intolerance doesn’t necessarily mean we’re hostile to differences—although it may mean that.  And because it may, intolerance can give rise to violence, both subtle and overt.  Telling your dad that he doesn’t live in a good enough house or drive a good enough car hurts him.

But beyond that, blindness to the spaces inside us where intolerance lives shuts us off to the contributions and characteristics of others that could enrich us.

When we hold stereotypes about  differences—about the nationality, political affiliation, religion, gender, sexual orientation, race, economic standing, occupation, educational level, or fashion sense of somebody—we  invalidate that person’s full humanity and cut ourselves off from his gifts.

When we take the time to learn from others’ differences, and to appreciate them, we give ourselves the opportunity to expand our range of tastes and experiences.  We open ourselves to discovering everything from a new type of food or music to a new way of problem solving or of seeing beauty or of deepening our compassion.   Appreciating others’ differences can also lead us to a deeper appreciation of our own uniqueness, breadth and values.

Positive Pathways to Tolerance

We tend to be most intolerant when we’re confronted with beliefs that are different from our own.   We care deeply, for example, about our political and spiritual views.   We see them as an essential part of our identities, thinking that what we believe defines who we are.

Of course if you really think about it, you realize that your beliefs continuously change over time as you gain more knowledge and life-experience.

Nevertheless, when we’re confronted with beliefs that conflict with our own, we can easily feel that we are being threatened, that we’re under attack.   We find ourselves feeling tense and defensive, ready to do battle.

But positivity broadens that perception.

In his study, Identity, Beliefs, Emotions and Negotiation Success, Clark Freshman notes that even “very small effects, such as a pleasant sound, a funny video, or a pleasant scent, shift our emotions enough to influence the way we negotiate.”    People are more cooperative when they’re happier.

In fact, studies conducted under the guidance of positive psychology researcher Barbara Fredrickson show that “Even things that tend to divide people—like racial differences—seem to melt away when our hearts are warmed by positivity.”  Rigorous and repeated experiments in facial recognition clearly demonstrated that “Positive emotions didn’t simply diminish the entrenched racial bias, it eliminated it altogether. . .”

Fredrickson reports that some of the earliest studies in positivity clearly showed that when people feel good, they’re more likely to be kind and offer help to strangers.  “Positivity breeds helpful, compassionate acts,” she states.  “Just as positivity broadens our views of ‘me’ to include other people,” it broadens your view of ‘us’ to include all of us.”

Bolstering our own positivity helps us create a more united world.

How Mindfulness Promotes Tolerance

As a conclusion to his research, Clark Freshman suggests that the most effective way to develop and maintain open-mindedness toward others’ points of view is to cultivate mindfulness.

He describes mindfulness as “a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, physical sensations, emotions, and intentions . . . fully accepting and free from judgment.”

One of the simplest methods for generating awareness, he points out, is simply to pay attention to your breath.

Such mindfulness, Freshman states, lets us watch our thoughts, catching the ones that may be arising from prejudice.  It also allows us to notice physical signals, like scents or sounds, that may be impacting our moods, or physical tensions that we can relax to release unwanted emotions.

In fact, he suggests, cultivation of mindfulness may itself be effective enough to release us from the whole identity-belief-emotion network.

Mindfulness generates the freedom to be kind. And when you get down to heart of it, tolerance is kindness, an extension of the “golden rule” to treat others as you would want to be treated.