I was in my late teens when Star Trek debuted on TV. I loved the show, but I found myself wondering how we could have progressed so far technologically without developing enough understanding of human psychology to prevent all the squabbles that went on between the crew members of the starship Enterprise.
President Kennedy had been assassinated only 3 years before, and the country was embroiled in protests over the Viet Nam war. Would we even make it to the 23rd century, I wondered, if we didn’t learn how to get along with each other?
As the world moved from one crisis to another, each greater and more threatening in scope, it was hard for me to hold out much optimism for the future of the human race. Discovering positive psychology revived my hope. And then, this week, it surged to new heights as I stumbled onto Marshall Rosenberg’s process for creating peace between people, a way of communicating that he calls Nonviolent Communication™.
In a video about using his methods, Marshall tells how he was invited to speak at a refugee camp run by the Palestinian Authority. As soon as the audience learned that he was an American, one man sprang to his feet and shouted, “Murderer!” Another rose, shouting, “Assassin!” A third leaped to his feet, shouting “Child Killer!”
An hour later, the man who had called Marshall a murderer invited him to share Ramadan dinner with his family in their house.
That is impressive communication! I definitely wanted to learn more.
I downloaded an audio series by Rosenberg and began listening. I heard how a couple used it to solve martial difficulties that had plagued them for 30 years, how a woman used it to stop an angry intruder from raping her, how business people got their meetings on track, how parents got back in touch with their children.
I loved Rosenberg’s presentation, and the simplicity and effectiveness of the process moved me to my core.
Rosenberg started using his method in the late 1960’s—about the same time I was wondering why we couldn’t find a way to create peace with each other. How could I not have heard about this before? Why isn’t it being taught in every school world wide?
It’s an approach to human connection, after all, that works to solve disputes and conflicts of any kind on levels ranging from intimate relationships, in schools, families and organizations, in therapy and counseling, up to diplomatic and business negotiations.
Why I hadn’t heard of it before is really an irrelevant question. Some of it has been promoted in the guise of “active listening,” although that’s a slightly different animal. As the process is applied in more and more settings, it’s likely that more funding for research will become available and spur its adaptation even more broadly. Already it is being applied in some prison settings with very positive results.
How It Works
The process is based on the idea that we all want to get along. We’re social beings, and on some level we all realize that we’re interdependent. We need the cooperation of others both to survive and to thrive.
Unfortunately, we learn communication patterns that are intimidating or manipulate that make us feel nasty things like fear, guilt, or shame. What the NVC process lets us do is focus instead on ways to build bridges and be respectful of each other’s humanness as we work together to find solutions to whatever is keeping us at odds with each other.
NVC™ allows us to empathize with each other, to genuinely hear the other person’s needs and to express our own need as well. That way, we can work toward so that we can find a way of resolving both our needs without either of us having to compromise our values.
To do this, the process leads us through four steps:
1) Clarifying what the situation is that’s affecting our well-being;
2) Identifying and stating what we’re feeling about the situation;
3) Expressing what needs or wants or values are creating our feelings; and
4) Making a concrete request for actions we think would let us feel good.
One of the beauties of the process, as Marshall’s youtube video demonstrates, is that the other person involved doesn’t need to know anything about the process for it to work. If you understand it, you have all the tools you need to bring a positive resolution to any misunderstanding or conflict.
How to Learn Nonviolent Communication™
Puddle Dancer Press
With an investment of an hour or so a week for 13 weeks and less than $30, you can get a good, basic education in the process and practice of NVC using Rosenber’s book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life and it’s accompanying workbook from Puddle Dancer Press. Their site features a wealth of materials on the process, including a newsletter subscription and a deep collection of articles.
The articles cover everything from applying the NVC™ process to developing a healthy body image, and parenting, to business, relationships, and personal growth. I am not an affiliate of the site and profit from your purchase only by your interest in creating a saner, more positive world, But I heartily recommend a visit to the site.
SoundsTrue
At SoundsTrue, you can find an assortment of audio programs featuring Marshall Rosenberg and his teachings, available both as CDs and downloads. You can earn Continuing Education credits with these as well.
I’m enjoying the Nonviolent Communication series myself right now. And I’m seriously considering the Nonviolent Communication Online Training Course, the only online training course with Marshall Rosenberg himself. This one includes nine weeks of downloadable lessons including three live audio question-and-answer sessions with Marshall, exclusive video instruction, an online workbook, and access to an online discussion forum with fellow course participants.
Amazon
Amazon also offers a wide selection of books on Nonviolent Communication
I am an affiliate of both SoundsTrue and Amazon. Your purchase of through either of these links would pay a small commission to me to help me continue with my work here at Positive-Living-Now without having to share my cat’s dinner. (And Tink would very much appreciate that.)
YouTube
Search for Nonviolent Communication™ at YouTube and you’ll find a wide selection of videos that will give you an overview and teach you some of the techniques. In fact, a series showing one of Rosenberg’s live workshops starts here.
Whatever path most appeals to you for learning, may I please suggest that you make NVC™ one of the things put on your list to explore?
Communicating with kindness and compassion is a sure way to bring harmony not only to our most cherished personal relationships—although it will certainly do that—but to our work worlds and communities as well. Give it a try. Will you?
And if you’re already an old hand at using the NVC™ process, why not share a story about how it has worked for you?
